The identify’s Pierce, Andrew Pierce… and like most individuals, I developed a little bit of a James Bond fixation after seeing No Time To Die.
Properly, on a sure a part of him, anyway.
Gazing enviously at Daniel Craig‘s rippling torso, I began to get a horrible case of tummy envy.
Regardless of being on the improper aspect of fifty like myself – I turned 60 at first of February – Daniel had the honed physique of an athlete half his age. Whereas I… do not.
I have never carried out too badly, although: for the previous 30-odd years I’ve boasted the identical 30 in waist, and whereas I knew Michelangelo would by no means have thought-about me as a life mannequin, I believed I used to be in fairly fine condition.
However having given up the fitness center over lockdown, I used to be starting to really feel slightly paunchy. Six months in the past, the kilos immediately appeared to pile on and very quickly my midriff was overhanging my waist.
Depressingly, I used to be additionally starting to really feel a telltale pressure after I mounted my go well with trousers within the morning.
The scales confirmed my suspicions: I used to be weighing in at 11st 4lb. In the beginning of the yr, I had been 10st 12lb.
After months of wallowing in self-pity, Daniel spurred me into motion, and I made a decision to set off in pursuit of the Holy Grail of male health: the six-pack, or sharply outlined belly muscle tissue.
It was now or by no means… you solely stay twice.
Earlier than and after: However having given up the fitness center over lockdown, I used to be starting to really feel slightly paunchy. Six months in the past, the kilos immediately appeared to pile on and very quickly my midriff was overhanging my waist.
Like most individuals, I developed a little bit of a James Bond fixation after seeing No Time To Die. Properly, on a sure a part of him, anyway. Gazing enviously at Daniel Craig’s rippling torso, I began to get a horrible case of tummy envy
If males’s well being magazines are to be believed, each man is just some weeks away from a ripped, lean, washboard abdomen.
I surfed the web for inspiration and located an train programme which promised to ship a flat abdomen inside six weeks.
It concerned squatting, leaping up and down and throwing myself to the ground as quick as potential in one-minute bursts. It made me really feel sick — for days.
The identify of the programme? Madness… by no means a more true phrase. It was extra probably to provide me a hernia than a six-pack.
There needed to be a distinct strategy to battling the bulge. After which I discovered it lurking in my e-mail inbox. Above an artist’s impression of a rippling torso have been the phrases: ‘Muscle man: the lazy man’s information to killer abs.’ Now we have been speaking!
I used to be being tempted by a machine referred to as EMsculpt Neo, which claims to imitate the consequences of 20,000 sit-ups, or crunches, in half-hour.
I used to be intrigued. The time period ‘sit-up’ to me was merely the posture I adopted to drink tea in mattress.
I’ve all the time prevented them within the fitness center, as a result of the prospect of time within the weights room with grunting, groaning, sweaty males held no attraction.
The EMSculpt Neo remedy promised I’d see a change inside two to a few weeks. What’s extra, it might do all of the work for me. At a value.
Miracles hardly ever come low cost, and the EMsculpt isn’t any exception: One 30-minute session prices an eye-watering £950, and a minimum of 4 periods are really useful – at EF Medispa clinics, in London’s Chelsea, Kensington and St John’s Wooden – to do the job.
The one proviso is that you must be over 18. I made a decision to provide it a go.
So how does it work? The EMSculpt Neo emits radio frequency and high-intensity electromagnetic energies.
In response to the blurb, they mix to kill off fats cells and construct muscle on the similar time. All in a single half-hour session.
Would it not damage? Extra importantly, wouldn’t it work?
I booked into EF Medispa in Kensington, which has simply launched the remedy.
Right here, the workers defined I might do my stomach, buttocks, thighs, arms or calves. Slimmer purchasers use the process to construct muscle fairly than lose fats. They insisted that there was little or no discomfort.
So I agreed to do it and, taking the clinic’s recommendation, had solely a fluid breakfast and nothing for lunch. I lowered myself on to the remedy sofa at 2pm, stripped all the way down to my boxers.
A paddle-like machine was strapped round my fats stomach. As soon as it was safe, my technician Virginija, a 38-year-old Lithuanian who appeared solely 28, turned on the facility
A paddle-like machine was strapped round my fats stomach. As soon as it was safe, my technician Virginija, a 38-year-old Lithuanian who appeared solely 28, turned on the facility.
There was a low buzzing sound because the machine sucked in my fats like a vacuum caught to a rug. I used to be warned I’d really feel burning, pinching, pulling or tugging.
At first, it felt extra like a woodpecker was chipping away at a tree. Click on, click on, click on, knock, knock. They have been intermittent bleeps and bumps.
Then high-intensity solitary waves rolled up and down my stomach. I felt my abdomen tightening.
Because the session continued, the waves turned extra intense, essentially the most extended lasting 5 seconds.
The vibrations coming from the paddles alternated between rounds of buzzing (some so intense I believed they may carry me proper off the desk) and arduous faucets, which felt like somebody knocking on a sheet of glass atop my abdomen.
At instances, I felt like an enormous magnet was making an attempt to drag my abdomen muscle tissue up out of my physique, and it sucked the air out of me, momentarily.
Now I understood why I used to be suggested to not go below the paddle on a full abdomen.
Because the session neared the top, the depth elevated and I felt a pounding sensation with occasional sharp, however transient, stabbing pains.
They have been the muscle contractions. Each time I believed I could not deal with one other contraction, the waves stopped. Does this sound acquainted, all of you moms on the market?
The EMSculpt Neo remedy promised I’d see a change inside two to a few weeks. What’s extra, it might do all of the work for me. At a value. One 30-minute session prices an eye-watering £950, and a minimum of 4 periods are really useful
Virginija defined that the waves of power have been breaking down the fats cells through a course of referred to as lipolysis.
‘The fats cells, below intense assault, surrender the struggle and die,’ she informed me.
‘The physique naturally eliminates them and you may assist the method by consuming two to a few litres of water every day. You may be actually flushing the cells away.’
When the paddle got here off after half an hour, my normally white tummy was glowing pink.
I received off the sofa feeling invigorated, like I’d simply carried out a rigorous exercise, which satisfied me it have to be working.
I received dressed, went again to work, and an hour later the color of my abdomen was again to regular. There isn’t a down time.
After I received residence, I studied my abdomen within the mirror and could not see any distinction. However I might hear Virginija’s phrases: ‘The fats cells are nonetheless dying.’
There was just one different rule. Completely no alcohol for twenty-four hours.
‘Alcohol is a fats bomb for the abdomen. It is the equal of pure sugar and sits straight on the waist, which stops the fats being burnt off till the alcohol has been processed,’ Virginija informed me.
After the second session, the next week, I undoubtedly felt my go well with trousers have been becoming higher and I felt fitter.
I used to be satisfied that among the flabbiness had melted away. There was much less discomfort through the session, as I used to be used to the feeling, though I used to be informed the depth of the waves is elevated every time.
Once we train within the fitness center, we’re mentioned to work on about 35 per cent of the muscle group, on common — and extra like 55 per cent for a hardcore athlete.
However it’s claimed this machine workout routines you at 100 per cent. The publicity blurb insists that the method additionally will increase your muscle energy by as much as 25 per cent.
After the third session, there was little doubt my tummy had shrunk slightly bit and, at that time, I made a decision to place my muscle energy to the take a look at.
I had experimented with planks in my fitness center days: that is whenever you increase your entire physique off the ground, with solely your palms and toes touching the bottom, as if you are about to do a press-up.
Within the fitness center, I might maintain the place for 60 seconds most. I attempted planking the day after my third session and managed two minutes with ease.
I’ve misplaced 4lb in weight, the flab has tightened, my abdomen is flatter, and there’s undoubtedly extra definition. Whereas I will not be striding the streets like a veritable Adonis — or James Bond — after I look carefully within the mirror, I feel I can see two abs
So my muscle tissue had strengthened. By the top of the four-week course, I used to be managing three minutes.
As I felt fitter, I launched into extra workout routines at residence and walked additional every day. I ignored the escalators at Tube stations and would run up the steps to get my coronary heart fee up, which is essential for fats burning.
On my final session, I received misplaced within the EF Medispa clinic, which has 5 totally different flooring. I stumbled throughout a clinic serving to males with erectile dysfunction issues.
I walked shortly previous in case anybody got here out pondering I had an appointment. There was additionally an indication for FemiLift, a non-surgical intimate remedy for girls. I knew then that I actually had taken a improper flip.
There was additionally a spot to deal with cellulite and a one other clinic providing a spread of anti-ageing facial and décolletage remedies, all below the identical roof. I made a decision to stay to my quest for a six-pack.
I used to be excited concerning the fourth session – and so was Virginija. The waves have been unleashed at most energy for in all probability 20 of the half-hour.
There have been the standard sharp, however solely fleeting, stabbing pains and I felt once more like a vacuum cleaner hose had been connected to my abdomen.
When it was throughout, Virginija eliminated the paddles, rubbed in some soothing cream, and my abdomen was the pinkest it had ever been.
We each whooped. There was completely little doubt my tummy had contracted.
I’ve misplaced 4lb in weight, the flab has tightened, my abdomen is flatter, and there’s undoubtedly extra definition.
Whereas I will not be striding the streets like a veritable Adonis — or James Bond — after I look carefully within the mirror, I feel I can see two abs.
So not a lot a six-pack however a two-pack. And it seems to be and feels so a lot better.
If cash have been no object, I might return each three months to keep up it. Nonetheless, because it stands, I could must pinch my nostril and get again to the fitness center.